Play Ball

Note: Yes, it's been a while. No, I won't explain myself to you. :)

Stan: At a baseball game. Wtf is it with the mustaches?

Stan: Mustaches and fat a**es. Not phat. Fat. 4 quarts of cottage cheese.

Stan: Crying screaming kids. Causing other kids to scream. In turn causing parents to get annoyed making the situation worse. Goooooooood God. People here need to have fewer kids so they can have the time to properly kick their asses when they need it.

Me: That's going on the site.

Stan: Lolololololololololol

Cooking With Stan

Stan: Bet they don't have these in Texas. Hamburger style hotdogs. Mmmmmmmmmm. It says "hey ladies! I'm single and ready to mingle." The paper plate screams efficiency with my time. That means more time to make out and hold hands n stuff.

Hamburger style hot dogs...?

Stan: Yep. I serve these HOT!

Why would you...OH, I get it...

Me: You ain't right, but that's funny. 
Stan: I aim to please.
Me: I can tell, even if it is listing to the right. LOL
Stan: HA! Listing as in a ship? More like a dingy. 
Me: Something, something, going down, something. (I couldn't think of anything witty at this point since I was actually trying to WORK at the same time...)

Armadillo Milk

This one all started with a trip to the Grapevine Mills mall in Texas. I wandered into this Texas themed shop to see what they had to offer, and I stumbled across this little gem:

That's right - Armadillo Milk

I sent it to Stan, with only the subject line of "WTF?" That led to the following exchange:

Stan: So they really milk the effin things? I thought the only thing you could do with those is run over them. Texas is like another country to me. 

Me: I'm not sure I wanna know. I'll go back and ask though.

*a few minutes pass*

Me: Girl at the counter says you can only milk pregnant dillos. They're too mean after the babies are born.

Stan: I'll stick to my green Jello with carrots and cottage cheese.

Me: LMAO!!! She said they don't really milk them. I said I knew that but this for my cousin in Utah, make something up, so she did. 

Stan: Sonofabitch! Good one. Smack her on the ass and tell her good job.

At this point I decided to just head to the car - I hadn't been questioned by security for smacking workers on the ass, and I wanted to keep it that way. 

Thanks to the girl in the Texas shop for playing along and coming up with such a great story on the spot. :) Next time, I'll string Stan along a little longer...

Giveaways and Katy Perry

So it's been a minute since I've saved any of the good texts, but here we go.

Stan: RC Willey is giving away a ping pong table with purchase of a refrigerator. Huh? I love give aways that don't make sense. Maybe prostitutes will be giving away US Savings Bonds with each trick. 

Jun 15 2011 10:44 PM

Stan: Hey I know your working and imma let you finish but, is it just me or does the thought of Katy Perrys awesome rack make her music better or what?! 

Jun 15 2011 10:49 PM

Little Stan’s Big Walmart Adventure

Sunday, June 05, 2011 1:07:54 AM

Stan: I'm at walmart trying to buy a Neon Tetra. I have given up 'standing around' and have now resorted to 'lurking'. I'm either buying a damn fish or getting arrested.
Stan: And you know damn well they can see me standing here. If I were to put something in my pocket they'd show up to arrest me. If I had something to write on I would write a message to security to please page someone to pets.

(Wal*Mart Security Camera)

Stan: Oh eff no! Eff no! Wamart employee walked past me, acknowledged me and kept going. He stopped about 10 feet away, turned around, then turned back and walked away. What the hell is wrong with these people? Gtg cute girl.
Stan: Holy sweet jesus flaming platypus.
Stan: I'd grab a picture but my phone makes this 'hey I'm a pervert' click noise.
Stan: Ok retarded girl is talking to me. I'm serious. Retard girl. Telling me about her dead goldfish. Eff kill me. Kill me dead. Multiverse Activate! or something. I don't care.
Stan: Why don't the hot bitch come back and talk? I'm sure she's just as retarded.

I love how he's in the middle of a rant about Wal*Mart's lack of customer service, then gets distracted by a cute girl. I think Wally-World plants them in the store to distract agitated customers from their anger. It's cheaper than actually training their employees.

Walmart

Friday, June 03, 2011 - 8:44 PM

Stan: Schocking news! I'm at Walmart and something smells like poop. Our team reporter investigates!

Stan: I think it was some woman in front of me. She had a case of hungry bum. Looked like her ass was gonna eat through the seat of her pants. Nom nom nom nom.

Custom Fit?

6/2/2011 9:58 PM

Stan: at walmart. They now have platex sport tampons. Wtf? Like an SS or RS or Spyder or GT or TRD? Is it like that? Go ask Paige. Do they have racing stripes and hood scoops? Can you get them with twin turbo? Like a Saleen S7? Or Mossler 900?

Later, while discussing food and music, he recommends a song for me to listen to.

6/2/2011 11:37 PM

Stan: Muscle Hawk: Set yourself on fire. Get ready to _________ dance. If you try to resist dancing your legs might break. 

Since my phone routinely fills up and I have to delete my messages CONSTANTLY, that's all I have for now. Well, with the exception of the one I locked a while back.

April 11th, 2011, at 11:11 AM.

Stan: Chuck norris can play a harp with his penis.

I don't know why that makes me chuckle...it just does.