Touch Screen Phones

Stan: Touch screen phones are a pain in the ass. I fumble it and I can her it selecting shit and I'm trying to catch it and keep it from hitting the floor. It has six axis accelerometers in it. Why not have it use some logic that says if four or more are sending a signal with an amplitude that is user defined, it locks the screen? I WOULD DO IT BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO PROGRAM!!!!!!
Stan: I think.I just liked someone’s photo that I don’t know. I may have sent a friendship request with it. Piece of shit phone.
Me: I may have just peed a little laughing at that…

Real Men Of Genius

Stan: Watching a truck driver unload fertilizer for the biz across the street. He gets the pallet Jack over loaded and when he rolls it to the lift gate he for  gets he pulled in on am angle. Then he struggles like a mofo to hold the now balancing stack of fertilizer from tipping and lower the lift gate with controls that are just at his finger tips lol
Stan: Then he gets the pallet Jack off the lift gate and it wont budge. Ah...its because.the pallets ate touching the ground. Apparently he doesn't understand the "Jack" in pallet Jack. I'm glad I'm not a product of yje public educational system.
Stan: Although auto correct would like you to think I am.
Stan: F***ing score! He just did it again only this time he dumped it off the lift gate from about 4 feet. Yeah!!!!!
Stan: You'd think he would have learned the first time.
Me: No, actually I'm not surprised.
Stan:
 
Me: Massive fail
Stan: I wonder if this guy ever delivers China or flat screen TV's or antiquities
Me: Massive fail
Stan: Why the f*** he doesn't back up to the garage they are stacking this stuff in is beyond me oh wait ...... derp.
Stan: I just heard one of my neighbors suggest to him that he back in further so they don't have to move tons of this shit 30 feet more than they need, AND I CAN PULL MY TRUCK INTO MY PARKING LOT. HERPA.....F***ING.....DERP!
Stan: I don't always hold a steering wheel, but when I do I drop all your shit and clog your driveway
Me: singing: Real men of geeeeenius
Stan: 3rd times the charm. He didn't dump the Jack but it had 1/5th the stack the other loads had. I guess a success is a success no matter how you get it
Stan: Back twerk.

Computer problems

Stan: The computer guy says the problem I have is a known issue. He's pretty confident its easily fixable. He and I have the same hair cut so I trust him

You gotta know when to fold ‘em…

Stan: I'm in Wendover. My God. This place is like West Valley but with slot machines. And Nevada doesn't honor Utah's concealed weapons permits so I'm out here life a f*cking sitting duck.
Stan:
 
Fancy, es que no?
Me: I'll take two.
Stan: I feel like a sir. I should have gotten a twin king bed room. It was the same price as a single but when I made the reservation it was a forever alone. Lolol
Stan: Or maybe it was a f*ck this. I'm not sure yet.
Me: Lol
Stan: 200ml of Evan Williams American honey down. I'm the first one here.
Me: Party like a sir?
Stan: Mmmmm yes. Quite. I'm thinking about 8 others are showing up.
Stan: But it won't do me any good if I'm f*cked out of my mind before they get here....holy sh*t. Hey alcohol! Where have you been?
Stan: But I guess this rum isn’t going to drink itself, now is it?
Me: Snerk. Nope, it's not. :)
Stan: Liquor before beer, we're all in the clear. Beer before liquor, your mom's a whore. Isn't that how it goes? My f*cking face is numb.
Me: Bwahahaha, yesh, Mr. Connery. Anal bum covers, 400.
Stan: L:) fao. I'm.so f*cked up what you wrote has me loling irl.
Me: This could get interesting.
Stan: Thanks for being my text buddy for over a year now. Because of you Mike I look important while standing in line at walmart.
Me: And because of you, my family, friends and coworkers think I have lost my mind. "Dude, Bitton just busts out laughing for no reason."
Me: Women want me and men want to be me, just because I have the coolest cousin in the world.
Stan:

Meet a few of my friends
Stan: Their names are Moxie, Dixie and the two on the left are twins, Macy and Lucy.
Me: I'll take the twins. They're hot.
Stan: F*ck I love puppet shows.
Stan: Sherri Lewis + Lamb Chop = FAPtastic.
Stan: I could totally have a blog. I feel important seeing my words in print.
Me: Oh, believe this is going on the site.
Stan: Shit....I put all four in a pint of diet Pepsi. The ratio wanisnt quite 25%
Me: Fitty fitty?
Stan: F*ck.
Stan: Going.to the Pepsi machinebrb.
Stan: Pepsi is 591ml but I drank it down to put 200 ml in at 35% alcohol...f*ck, I can't do junior high pre algebra.
Stan: I can't tie my shoe.
Stan: Where is the otther one?
Me: The other shoe?
Stan: Found it.
Stan:

Stan: I think my party has arrived. I will update as I can. I will get a mop handle in my ass for taking pictures on that casino floor.though. no matter how f*cked I am I'm not taking my phone out.
Me: Forced broomstick sex is still sex.

We ALL scream…

Stan: I'm never coming back to Baskin Robbins until they either make the damn store bigger or limit the occupancy to 6 regular customers.

I'll take 3 scoops of choco-double-mocha monkey, 3 scoops of Napolean, 2 slices of ice cream cake...and do you have Diet Coke?

New acquisitions

Stan: I'm the proud owner of a crazy 3 year old :-). 

Congrats, cuz. :)

Wit – or at least half of it.

It all started with my decision to buy a new Bible. I had one that the Vineyard had given me, but when we were looking at them at the store, I thought "Ya know - why not?" Later, when I got home, I texted Stan a picture of it to get his opinion.

Me: As far as Bibles go, it's cool no?
Stan: No comment :-)
Me: Hey, if'n I'm gonna be a Bible thumpin' Texan, I want a Bible worth thumpin'!
Stan: LOL it needs to be the size of a New York phone book for proper thumping
Me: They had them that size. I prefer to think of mine as "ninja sized."
Me: You just be walking along when *wham!* Proverbs out of nowhere!
Stan: Last time I got thumped, I think it was Deuteronomy.
Me: That'll leave a Mark. :)
Me: Or a Matthew. Either one.
Stan: Bah! :-)