Real Men Of Genius

Stan: Watching a truck driver unload fertilizer for the biz across the street. He gets the pallet Jack over loaded and when he rolls it to the lift gate he for  gets he pulled in on am angle. Then he struggles like a mofo to hold the now balancing stack of fertilizer from tipping and lower the lift gate with controls that are just at his finger tips lol
Stan: Then he gets the pallet Jack off the lift gate and it wont budge. Ah...its because.the pallets ate touching the ground. Apparently he doesn't understand the "Jack" in pallet Jack. I'm glad I'm not a product of yje public educational system.
Stan: Although auto correct would like you to think I am.
Stan: F***ing score! He just did it again only this time he dumped it off the lift gate from about 4 feet. Yeah!!!!!
Stan: You'd think he would have learned the first time.
Me: No, actually I'm not surprised.
Stan:
 
Me: Massive fail
Stan: I wonder if this guy ever delivers China or flat screen TV's or antiquities
Me: Massive fail
Stan: Why the f*** he doesn't back up to the garage they are stacking this stuff in is beyond me oh wait ...... derp.
Stan: I just heard one of my neighbors suggest to him that he back in further so they don't have to move tons of this shit 30 feet more than they need, AND I CAN PULL MY TRUCK INTO MY PARKING LOT. HERPA.....F***ING.....DERP!
Stan: I don't always hold a steering wheel, but when I do I drop all your shit and clog your driveway
Me: singing: Real men of geeeeenius
Stan: 3rd times the charm. He didn't dump the Jack but it had 1/5th the stack the other loads had. I guess a success is a success no matter how you get it
Stan: Back twerk.

Computer problems

Stan: The computer guy says the problem I have is a known issue. He's pretty confident its easily fixable. He and I have the same hair cut so I trust him

You gotta know when to fold ‘em…

Stan: I'm in Wendover. My God. This place is like West Valley but with slot machines. And Nevada doesn't honor Utah's concealed weapons permits so I'm out here life a f*cking sitting duck.
Stan:
 
Fancy, es que no?
Me: I'll take two.
Stan: I feel like a sir. I should have gotten a twin king bed room. It was the same price as a single but when I made the reservation it was a forever alone. Lolol
Stan: Or maybe it was a f*ck this. I'm not sure yet.
Me: Lol
Stan: 200ml of Evan Williams American honey down. I'm the first one here.
Me: Party like a sir?
Stan: Mmmmm yes. Quite. I'm thinking about 8 others are showing up.
Stan: But it won't do me any good if I'm f*cked out of my mind before they get here....holy sh*t. Hey alcohol! Where have you been?
Stan: But I guess this rum isn’t going to drink itself, now is it?
Me: Snerk. Nope, it's not. :)
Stan: Liquor before beer, we're all in the clear. Beer before liquor, your mom's a whore. Isn't that how it goes? My f*cking face is numb.
Me: Bwahahaha, yesh, Mr. Connery. Anal bum covers, 400.
Stan: L:) fao. I'm.so f*cked up what you wrote has me loling irl.
Me: This could get interesting.
Stan: Thanks for being my text buddy for over a year now. Because of you Mike I look important while standing in line at walmart.
Me: And because of you, my family, friends and coworkers think I have lost my mind. "Dude, Bitton just busts out laughing for no reason."
Me: Women want me and men want to be me, just because I have the coolest cousin in the world.
Stan:

Meet a few of my friends
Stan: Their names are Moxie, Dixie and the two on the left are twins, Macy and Lucy.
Me: I'll take the twins. They're hot.
Stan: F*ck I love puppet shows.
Stan: Sherri Lewis + Lamb Chop = FAPtastic.
Stan: I could totally have a blog. I feel important seeing my words in print.
Me: Oh, believe this is going on the site.
Stan: Shit....I put all four in a pint of diet Pepsi. The ratio wanisnt quite 25%
Me: Fitty fitty?
Stan: F*ck.
Stan: Going.to the Pepsi machinebrb.
Stan: Pepsi is 591ml but I drank it down to put 200 ml in at 35% alcohol...f*ck, I can't do junior high pre algebra.
Stan: I can't tie my shoe.
Stan: Where is the otther one?
Me: The other shoe?
Stan: Found it.
Stan:

Stan: I think my party has arrived. I will update as I can. I will get a mop handle in my ass for taking pictures on that casino floor.though. no matter how f*cked I am I'm not taking my phone out.
Me: Forced broomstick sex is still sex.

We ALL scream…

Stan: I'm never coming back to Baskin Robbins until they either make the damn store bigger or limit the occupancy to 6 regular customers.

I'll take 3 scoops of choco-double-mocha monkey, 3 scoops of Napolean, 2 slices of ice cream cake...and do you have Diet Coke?

New acquisitions

Stan: I'm the proud owner of a crazy 3 year old :-). 

Congrats, cuz. :)

Wit – or at least half of it.

It all started with my decision to buy a new Bible. I had one that the Vineyard had given me, but when we were looking at them at the store, I thought "Ya know - why not?" Later, when I got home, I texted Stan a picture of it to get his opinion.

Me: As far as Bibles go, it's cool no?
Stan: No comment :-)
Me: Hey, if'n I'm gonna be a Bible thumpin' Texan, I want a Bible worth thumpin'!
Stan: LOL it needs to be the size of a New York phone book for proper thumping
Me: They had them that size. I prefer to think of mine as "ninja sized."
Me: You just be walking along when *wham!* Proverbs out of nowhere!
Stan: Last time I got thumped, I think it was Deuteronomy.
Me: That'll leave a Mark. :)
Me: Or a Matthew. Either one.
Stan: Bah! :-)

Danger Zone

Stan: Here is one for your blog. I got some asshole in a Jazzy barnstorming me and I'm in flip flops.

Wal*Mart - where even old people on Jazzys can be Top Gun pilots. DO A BARREL ROLL!!!

Play Ball

Note: Yes, it's been a while. No, I won't explain myself to you. :)

Stan: At a baseball game. Wtf is it with the mustaches?

Stan: Mustaches and fat a**es. Not phat. Fat. 4 quarts of cottage cheese.

Stan: Crying screaming kids. Causing other kids to scream. In turn causing parents to get annoyed making the situation worse. Goooooooood God. People here need to have fewer kids so they can have the time to properly kick their asses when they need it.

Me: That's going on the site.

Stan: Lolololololololololol

Cooking With Stan

Stan: Bet they don't have these in Texas. Hamburger style hotdogs. Mmmmmmmmmm. It says "hey ladies! I'm single and ready to mingle." The paper plate screams efficiency with my time. That means more time to make out and hold hands n stuff.

Hamburger style hot dogs...?

Stan: Yep. I serve these HOT!

Why would you...OH, I get it...

Me: You ain't right, but that's funny. 
Stan: I aim to please.
Me: I can tell, even if it is listing to the right. LOL
Stan: HA! Listing as in a ship? More like a dingy. 
Me: Something, something, going down, something. (I couldn't think of anything witty at this point since I was actually trying to WORK at the same time...)

Armadillo Milk

This one all started with a trip to the Grapevine Mills mall in Texas. I wandered into this Texas themed shop to see what they had to offer, and I stumbled across this little gem:

That's right - Armadillo Milk

I sent it to Stan, with only the subject line of "WTF?" That led to the following exchange:

Stan: So they really milk the effin things? I thought the only thing you could do with those is run over them. Texas is like another country to me. 

Me: I'm not sure I wanna know. I'll go back and ask though.

*a few minutes pass*

Me: Girl at the counter says you can only milk pregnant dillos. They're too mean after the babies are born.

Stan: I'll stick to my green Jello with carrots and cottage cheese.

Me: LMAO!!! She said they don't really milk them. I said I knew that but this for my cousin in Utah, make something up, so she did. 

Stan: Sonofabitch! Good one. Smack her on the ass and tell her good job.

At this point I decided to just head to the car - I hadn't been questioned by security for smacking workers on the ass, and I wanted to keep it that way. 

Thanks to the girl in the Texas shop for playing along and coming up with such a great story on the spot. :) Next time, I'll string Stan along a little longer...

Giveaways and Katy Perry

So it's been a minute since I've saved any of the good texts, but here we go.

Stan: RC Willey is giving away a ping pong table with purchase of a refrigerator. Huh? I love give aways that don't make sense. Maybe prostitutes will be giving away US Savings Bonds with each trick. 

Jun 15 2011 10:44 PM

Stan: Hey I know your working and imma let you finish but, is it just me or does the thought of Katy Perrys awesome rack make her music better or what?! 

Jun 15 2011 10:49 PM

Little Stan’s Big Walmart Adventure

Sunday, June 05, 2011 1:07:54 AM

Stan: I'm at walmart trying to buy a Neon Tetra. I have given up 'standing around' and have now resorted to 'lurking'. I'm either buying a damn fish or getting arrested.
Stan: And you know damn well they can see me standing here. If I were to put something in my pocket they'd show up to arrest me. If I had something to write on I would write a message to security to please page someone to pets.

(Wal*Mart Security Camera)

Stan: Oh eff no! Eff no! Wamart employee walked past me, acknowledged me and kept going. He stopped about 10 feet away, turned around, then turned back and walked away. What the hell is wrong with these people? Gtg cute girl.
Stan: Holy sweet jesus flaming platypus.
Stan: I'd grab a picture but my phone makes this 'hey I'm a pervert' click noise.
Stan: Ok retarded girl is talking to me. I'm serious. Retard girl. Telling me about her dead goldfish. Eff kill me. Kill me dead. Multiverse Activate! or something. I don't care.
Stan: Why don't the hot bitch come back and talk? I'm sure she's just as retarded.

I love how he's in the middle of a rant about Wal*Mart's lack of customer service, then gets distracted by a cute girl. I think Wally-World plants them in the store to distract agitated customers from their anger. It's cheaper than actually training their employees.

Walmart

Friday, June 03, 2011 - 8:44 PM

Stan: Schocking news! I'm at Walmart and something smells like poop. Our team reporter investigates!

Stan: I think it was some woman in front of me. She had a case of hungry bum. Looked like her ass was gonna eat through the seat of her pants. Nom nom nom nom.

Custom Fit?

6/2/2011 9:58 PM

Stan: at walmart. They now have platex sport tampons. Wtf? Like an SS or RS or Spyder or GT or TRD? Is it like that? Go ask Paige. Do they have racing stripes and hood scoops? Can you get them with twin turbo? Like a Saleen S7? Or Mossler 900?

Later, while discussing food and music, he recommends a song for me to listen to.

6/2/2011 11:37 PM

Stan: Muscle Hawk: Set yourself on fire. Get ready to _________ dance. If you try to resist dancing your legs might break. 

Since my phone routinely fills up and I have to delete my messages CONSTANTLY, that's all I have for now. Well, with the exception of the one I locked a while back.

April 11th, 2011, at 11:11 AM.

Stan: Chuck norris can play a harp with his penis.

I don't know why that makes me chuckle...it just does.